Perfectionism

I think perfectionism has to be the hardest thought to conquer for an anorexic.

Whenever I have an anorexic moment, it usually boils down to having a need for control over everything, the need to be the best at everything. People often think this is narcotic of me. I totally get that. But it's not. The reason I struggle so much when I don't get the best grade, or dont quite get the position I think is the best in the dance, or panic when I feel I've upset someone is because I have an instilled need to be the best at everything I do.

When I fall short of these high expectations for myself, I control my emotions through restricting my food. The only way I could explain is its like a panic attack. My mind is bombarded with thoughts telling me I'm not good enough, that I've failed, and that I'm out of control of myself. I can't gain back control and slowly the thoughts start to infect my self-esteem, my confidence, and my motivation. The only rational way I see forward is to restrict my eating, because my body is something that I can make 'perfect', the one thing that I can be the best at.

I know that nobody can be perfect all the time and this is just the most unrealistic expectation I can have of myself. More to the point, Ive realised that it's pushing away all those who I adore. It must be so tiring for them to be around a person who demands perfection in every situation. No one needs that. I don't need that.

I guess this is something that can be turned on its head. What is it that makes me feel I need to be 'perfect' at everything? What are the benefits of having this thought obsession? The only one I can think of is being amazing in the eyes of other people. But even now, that is proving to not be true. My perfectionism is starting to push all of my loved ones away, so in fact im not amazing in the eyes of other people - in fact, quite the opposite.

In terms of the cons, the list is almost endless. I can never be proud of myself, I am completely in capable of feeling fulfilled. It is perpetuating my anorexia and the troubles that affect my every day life. More to the point, no one in life is capable of doing everything perfectly, it is humanely impossible. So this high expectation that I have always had of myself, is one that I am never going to be able to fulfil.

So, next time I have a difficult moment because I have not achieved this state of perfection, I guess i'll have to think twice. Just WHY do I feel this need to be perfect at absolutely everything? Think of 3 things you have to be appreciative of today. I am alive, I am still here, and I have people around me who want me to thrive. They don't give a shit if I'm perfect, they just want my happiness so that I can reciprocate their love with mine.

Open Letter to Anorexia

Dear Pre-Anorexic Me,

You are worth more than what you tell yourself.
You are worth more than numbers on a scale, and calories on food packets.
You are worth more than days upon days spent on psychiatric wards, in doctors surgeries, blood tests every week.
You are worth more than panic attacks.
You are worth more than infertility.
You are worth more than exercising to exhaustion.
You are worth more than allowing these voices tell you how to live your life.
You are worth more than these voices shouting: lose weight, go back to the hospital.
You are worth more than perfectionism, judging yourself by others.
You are worth more than continuing this pain.
You are worth more than this control.

You are worth something.

The Beginning

I want to talk about something.

It's difficult for me to open my mind and speak about the thoughts, they're not exactly fun and games sometimes. But it's something I really do feel people like me need to start speaking hoenstly about, so here goes.

I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 17 years old. Although I am now technically 'healthy', my mind isn't really if I'm honest. Anorexia is a condition that affects me every day of my life, and has for nearly three years now. For the average anorexic, it takes 6 years to make a 'full recovery' - so I guess I have a long way to go.

I think it's one of the most frustrating things for 'half recovered' people- the fact that you may look healthy on the outside but on the inside you are really struggling. I sometimes feel so alone, like I cant talk about these things because it's, quite understandably, difficult for others to understand.

So I want to document my days to full recovery. For me, there was so much great advice for people in the first stages of recovery ; how to tackle 'difficult' foods, how to start being okay with gaining weight, how to keep maintaining weight until you reach a healthy weight.
But what about how to recognise that you're relapsing? How to deal with unhealthy obsessions with exercise and guilt when you eat 'too much'? How to be okay with your natural weight and not see just fat all over your body when you look in the mirror? Most importantly, how to deal with that final push to health.

I'm no where near full recovery yet, but I am ready to recover.